Leisa Olson  FUSE Parent/Family Coach

How many times a day do your children hear the words NO! or DON’T! Have you found yourself telling them that they CAN’T do something? When you continually focus on what your children are not to be doing you may find they are doing it more often. The number one solution is to tell your children what they can do and channel the destructive active behaviour into constructive positive behaviour.

When speaking positively to your children it may sound like this; ‘you need to use your inside voice’, or ‘lets go outside and use our outside voices and actions’, or ‘feet stay on the floor’, and ‘chairs are for sitting on’. When you remove that negative limiting word ‘can’t’ out of your vocabulary you will be encouraging your children to experience things they can do, helping them to learn and grow and be all that they can be. Take the time to stop yourself when you want to say no, don’t or can’t and ask your children what they can do instead, at first you may have to give them some choices. This takes practice but once you begin to focus on what they can do, you will find them beginning to make those choices on their own.

The second solution is providing a space for active play both inside and out. Outside, children’s feet can climb ladders to slides, or monkey bars, and trees!! Balls can be thrown to see how many pop cans you can hit. Make sure you have a stop watch because children love to see how fast they can run across the yard, or race through an obstacle course. Sounds like fun doesn’t it, and what child would not behave better when mom or dad takes some time to play too!

A large cardboard box can be scribbled on, punched, squashed, and crawled into. Purchase some large chart paper or newspaper end rolls to lie on the floor for drawing, and painting. Why not set a time aside for some fun wrestling with mom or dad. You can set up an obstacle course inside as well. Provide things that can be taken apart with tools, just visit your nearest second hand store. Don’t forget hammer and nails. Pounding in a nail is a fun challenge for most children. Of course having some soft balls to toss around inside is also a great idea.

With busy activity time comes quiet time too, so show the contrast by rewarding positive physical fun with a calming snuggle time, reading a book or watching a favourite show.

The third solution is a scheduled family meeting time each week where you focus on your family. This allows your children a time together as a family, and when parents are consistent in holding meetings each week children begin to expect this family time and settle into the routine of them.

As you create an environment of love and gratitude as a family you can easily discuss all areas of your family life such as appropriate behaviour in the home. You can explain that when balls or other toys are thrown in the house Mommy’s lamps may get broken and how do you think Mommy will feel if that happens. How would you feel if Mom or Dad came into your room and accidently stepped on one of your toys and broke it? You can create opportunities to teach consequences, boundaries and limits with your children.

It is important that you decide just what kind of home environment you want to live in and then share this with your children, letting them know what is important to you as parents and what your expectations are and the vision you have of your family life. Go over the family rules and helping your children understand the reasoning behind them, like the lamp and toy example. This is all part of teaching children respect for others and themselves as well. You are teaching your children to feel good about ‘who’ they are because they are learning to have control over themselves.

Make sure you allow time each week to share how you appreciate your children’s behaviours and that you can see how they are doing their best to follow your family rules. Let your children share how they feel about their behaviour too and what they like doing best. When children are given the opportunity to be heard and provided the space to live out their imagination they will be more open to really listening to you and will want to be a cooperative family member.

Leisa Olson is a wife, mother, grandmother, author and Family Coach. If you found these 3 solutions helpful, download the first lesson of her coaching program to discover more great ideas to help you strengthen your family. http://www.fusefamilyfocus.com/

Kevin Suess had responded to this post from our Ning site, and he shares some wonderful ideas …

I love this Leisa! One of the things I found to be effective was finding a hobby or sport that we all find enjoyable. I have 4 children and raise them on my own. There is a good chance that your kids might not all agree on 1 thing in particular. Every child is different and wants to be great at something different. Fortunately for me I had 3 that all agreed on 1 thing. The other has taken some time in getting her excited about it and developing a desire to be involved.
Our Hobby? Fishing. There are so many important things that children can learn from fishing. Just to name a few. Patience, creativity and service. Of course with any hobby or activity it should be something you can all enjoy. There must be laughter, there might be anger and possibly some tears. All these things come together to form a bonding experience with your family that can be second to none.
Remember to approach this with a upbeat positive attitude. As with any activity if you are doing this because you think you have to when the kids get under your skin, you lose your attitude and your fun trip just turned sour. Trust me it has happened plenty with me. Frustration will almost always arise especially with fishing. Take it in stride, have a positive attitude. Check yourself when you get upset when Junior keeps getting his line tangled and snagged. These times can give you a great opportunity to get on their level and teach them. Once they are opened up and teachable the chance that they will be more receptive at home during regular family life is substantially higher. With most kids after a period of time they may get side tracked or lose interest. This is an excellent time to learn about persistence, patience and focus. 3 things which are not taught at school and are crucial to an individuals success in the real world.
So grab your kids, find something fun and enjoy your families company. You’ll be surprised at how much your children will yearn to spend more time with their family versus their friends. Allow yourself to be the primary influence in your children’s lives. Don’t let their friends be that influence.
Best of luck to you all!
Kevin Suess