No matter how good my intentions, and how good I was as a dad, I was still an outsider… the new parent.
As a new step parent, I thought I could just step in and be a parent to my new wife’s 4 young girls. After all, I already was a parent to two of my own girls. It did not take me long to realize being a step parent was very different.
As a father with my two daughters, I was natural authority to them. I was their dad… whether I was a good dad or not so good dad, I was still their dad. It was natural to set guidelines, rules and the consequences to actions outside of those rules. These were two beings that I helped bring into the world and I was responsible for them.
As a step dad though, things were very different. I became a parent figure in the house, but it was only because I was married to their mom. It was because of my position as married to their mom that I could have any authority to establish guidelines and rules. I did not have a relationship with them from birth like their mom and their biological dad. No matter how good my intentions, and how good I was as a dad, I was still an outsider… the new parent.
And as I found out, it was the children that set the pace of the parental role for the step parent. That does not mean they are in charge but it does mean that you as a step parent need to be aware of this and exerting authority in the new relationship with the children may cause resentments and disobedience. You are not my dad! I don’t have to listen to you!
Remember that these children have gone through a lot of turmoil and pain from the break up of their parents. They may be feeling responsible for their parents separating, guilty for not behaving better, that their parent doesn’t love them or else why would they leave. Being a new parental figure, you may get some of the anger and resentment from those feelings.
As a new step parent work with your spouse who does have the relationship and background with the children. Discuss what the values, boundaries and consequences are that you want to promote in the family. Then work indirectly through your spouse. Over time you will gain the relationships with the children where you can have the direct authority.
Be clear in your commitment to your spouse and your role in the family. Early in the relationship, you may find that the children are threatened by this commitment as they may be holding onto the possibility that their parents may reunite, and you become the person stopping that from happening. A strong expressed commitment provides the security, and continuity that they need.
Remember that anger and resentment express at or to you is most often not about you. This is probably the biggest issue that I deal with as a step parent coach. Children are hurt in the divorce process and suffer many losses. Their behavior is a way of testing you. As your relationship develops you are an easy target for their pain.
Be approachable and be involved. Spend time together with your step children. Be someone they can learn to trust by doing what you say for example being at the soccer game, or dance recital.
What all children need are love and acceptance and step children even more so. Give from your heart and you will be rewarded with a lifelong relationship as a step parent.
Reference: Ron L. Deal “The Effective Stepfather: A Check-List to Live By”