Parents With Purpose

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Leisa

Before you leave on a journey you first choose a destination and a reason for going. If you have never been there before then you do some research and decide the best route to get there and possibly the best time of year to travel. There are usually maps and travel books involved in the planning, tools to help make this adventure a successful one.

The day you were married began the first step of your journey together as a couple. It was the day you became a family. Did you have a destination in mind and reason for achieving it?

We may not always think of life as a destination with an objective in mind to arrive at. ”Most people tiptoe their way through life, hoping to make it safely to death.”~Bob Proctor. What I am talking about is ‘purpose’. The reason you chose each other to spend the rest of your life with. The legacy you want to leave your children. I am not just talking about money, property, or charities, but the memories and values you want your children to receive and perpetuate.

When you are 85 years old and holding hands together what is that you are happy you accomplished, and completed? What is it that held you both together throughout your many years of marriage?  ’Purpose’ is the mortar that binds a couple together. It gives meaning to your relationship on those days when the clouds are marring your view.

Take action today and write out your purpose. It does not have to be something earth shaking and dramatic but it does need to be bigger than the two of you together. Just as together you create children, your purpose is a creation. Your children and family life are a part of that purpose, but children grow up and live their own lives. What do you want to create together that utilizes each other’s strengths and talents. Whatever you write out today is subject to change and additions.

Having a destination, something to achieve together, adds excitement and growth in your marriage. Your  ’purpose’ continues to evolve as you get better clarity on what it is that you want to leave as your legacy. In the words of Henry David Thoreau: ‘If one advances confidently in the direction of one’s dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.’

 

 

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Stop and Take A Deep Breath

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Leisa

There are times in our life when we need to stop and take a deep breath. We need to find out where we are and where we want to be heading. So just where are you in your life? Are you where you  want to be? Can you see the path before you and is it in the direction that you want to go? Do you need to make any changes? How about the people you associate with most often, are they helping you along your journey or pulling you into paths that you really do not want to be on? Every day there are decisions to make and when you know where you are headed it is so much easier to make those decisions. You are either moving forward into growth and where you desire to be or you are moving backwards. If something is not growing we know that it is dying and if this describes how you feel then maybe you need someone to help prune, and fertilize your life. That is what I do: help people to define their purpose, create a vision of their life, find clarity of who it is they choose to be, and where they want to go, to really know what it is that they really want!

Leisa Olson Parent/Family Coach leisa@fusefamilyfocus.com

Helping to define your purpose

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Family is the Highest School of Education

Posted on February 11, 2011 by rick

I read somewhere that “Family is the highest school of education”

My first thought was that family is where our children learn to be the kind of people that they will become.  It is where they learn the values and morals, and the integrity that will influence them for the rest of their lives.  Positive or negative, what children learn in the family setting will shape their lives. We, the parents, are the ones that have the responsibility to guide our children in the right directions – through our role modeling, through the boundaries and guidelines we set, and to pass down our spiritual and cultural heritage.

My second thought was that my children have taught me a lot more than I feel I have taught them. I have learned to be in the “present”, to enjoy the wonder of the little things that happen all around you, to be responsible to others, of being of service to others. And I have learned about unconditional love.

I think unconditional love is the most important thing that I learned from my children.  It seems very natural when the children are your biological children.  You have brought these young children into the world and they are part of you.

But when you become a step dad and you have other children develop the same feelings for you and you for them, it makes you appreciate the power of love.

I know through our weekly family meetings that children understand a whole lot more than we give them credit for.  My daughters would constantly amaze me with there comprehension of the topics we discussed in our meetings.  Once I asked our youngest daughter if she knew what a certain more difficult word meant, and she “blew me away” with simple but profound definition of that word.

I have also learned from my children about being responsible for what I think feel and do.  Children are sponges.  They soak up everything around them and reflect it back to you, and sometimes it hurts to see yourself in the mirror of your children.

Yes the home is the highest school of education… and we want every parent to graduate with a doctorate in parenting.  Open yourself to what each day teaches you, because everything that happens to you has a lesson behind it. Be humble enough to accept the lessons our children bring.  They are great teachers.

Action Item

Take some time to sit and talk with each of your children, either individually or as a family.  Really listen to them, let them express their feelings.  Ask them some tough questions like “What is love?” or “What does integrity mean to you?”  Then listen.  Let them teach you!

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Discipline in A Blended Family

Posted on February 11, 2011 by rick

Discipline was easy in a blended family because here is what you did:

  • You discussed important issues like child discipline before you got married
  • You set up guidelines on what each of you expected so that when issues arose you were able to deal with them
  • You set up clear job descriptions so everyone knew what their role was
  • You discussed each others children calmly
  • You treated every child fairly and without bias
  • You set up boundaries and consequences and always followed through

Of course you did!

Now let’s get real!

Most step parents come into a blended family thinking that because they are already a parent what could be hard about step parenting.  Actually most of us come into a step situation wearing love tinted glasses that obscure most of the “Other” things that come with the relationship… the children.  In most relationships there is a honeymoon period, a period of grace where everyone and everything seems to be great.

Then it hits.  The children begin to act up.  They begin to do things that you wouldn’t tolerate with your own children and your spouse is not dealing with it. Your spouse seems to ignore it or make up excuses for their child…”he really did not mean it.”  “You’re being too tough on her”  “Lighten up, he’s just a child” “She would never do that?”  “I know but she’s only here for the weekend and I want it to be fun.”

There are more families in North America that are blended than are nuclear.  That means there have been a lot of divorces.  What is even more concerning is that most second marriages, especially those involving children, fail.  In fact 60% of second marriages fail.

Why?  I believe my wife and I had more disagreements over appropriate disciplining of the children than on our finances.  I know that discipline is tricky even in the best situations.  As a step parent it is even harder.  You are not the biological parent so at first you must depend upon your spouse to be the disciplinarian.

What if your spouse does not discipline their children?  Well, here is where a bit of understanding can help.  Biological parents may be feeling many things that influence how they discipline:

  • Guilt about being responsible for breaking up the marriage and subjecting the children to the pain of divorcing parents.
  • Men may feel guilt about losing their family and the power of being a father to that family
  • Some step parents come on strong as a super parent, which can backfire with both the children and the bio-parent. The children resist “too much too fast”. And the spouse either withdraws and does not discipline or becomes very protective of their children.
  • I only get so much time with my children and I them to have fun so that they want to come back
  • Most of us do not even think far enough ahead to set out guidelines on who is responsible for discipline or what is appropriate discipline.  So we send out confused messages to our children and to each other

How do you lovingly guide your spouse to discipline?

Communication is the key.  Here are 5 steps you can take:

  1. Discuss what your expectations for each other are in relationship to discipline – remember that at first the bio-parent must discipline their child as much as possible.
  2. Set out guidelines of behavior that you both want followed in your household.  This includes your behavior as parent, step parent and the behavior of the children.
  3. Remember that there are no ex-parents only ex-spouses and they have an influence on how you discipline the step children.
  4. Recognize that you will each have a different understanding of discipline based on how you were raised as a child which means that you must work together to blend your discipline styles.
  5. realize that in the long run it is better to support and guide your spouse to discipline rather than just doing it yourself

As step parents we step into this new family full of hope and determined to make it work.  There are no cultural guidelines for the transition to a blended family, which means we must figure it out ourselves. With good communication and the desire to help each other, you can beat the odds and be one of the second marriages that last.  Our has.

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Why WE Do What We Do

Posted on February 11, 2011 by rick

A number of years ago I let my marriage break down and I became a parent separated from my children by divorce.  It was very painful and emotional time for me.  My ex then remarried.  Although I knew that this would inevitably happen, I found I was not prepared mentally for my reaction.

At first I faced many fears, the biggest being the fear of being displaced by the new “dad” in their life.  What if they were able to cut me totally out y my children’s lives? What if he adopted them? How would he influence their lives?  What if he abuses them? What if I am left out on all of the major decisions? I felt I did not have any control with my children anymore.

I know that my fears influenced me to do some things that did not help the situation, and actually created more friction.  I can imagine my ex wife felt different fears that influenced her to do the things she did.

So why do we do what we do? Tony Robbins says that basically emotions are the driving force of life.  To put it more bluntly, we are driven by our emotions. That leads to the next question “where do our emotions come from?”

When we focus on something, we must give meaning to it. To give meaning to it we filter what we focus on through our life experiences, that is, how we view the world.  How we view the world is a creation of the thoughts we think and become habitual patterns of behavior.

Let’s step back for a moment and look at how we think.  We get information through our 5 senses.  These senses are like super highways of information coming into our mind.  They never shut off. We get so much information that our mind needs to sort it out so we can make sense of it.  As a new-born baby, your mind just takes in information. You do not know what is good or bad, right or wrong information.  You just soak it in.  Over time, as you develop, you begin to make sense of things around you, and you form a certain view of the world.  Your world view is influenced by the experiences you have had, the people around you, the tv shows you watch – actually all of the information you have received in your life.  This view of the world becomes your filter. It helps you decide from all of the information you receive, what fits with your view and what doesn’t.  That is why 6 different people watching the same event can have 6 different views of what has happened.

This view that you have may be helpful to you or may be the biggest thing holding you back.

If emotions come from what we think, how do emotions influence what we do?

Emotions are feelings that we have.  These feelings are expressed in actions.  When someone is angry they may yell, go into a rage, hit out, or go very quiet and retreat inside.  These actions are based on their habitual habit patterns.

For example let’s look at my feelings as an estranged dad.  I felt left out, a loss of control and a sense of being disconnected from my children.  This was a new feeling for me.  I was in a position where I did not have direct past experience and no habitual patterns for my filter system to use to make sense of this situation.  So I felt some anxiety and helplessness.  This created fears within me, fear of being displaced, fear of losing my children. My reaction to the fear was to do some actions which did not help the situation.

As a step parent coach this is the situation that I see often.  Parents and children thrust out of their comfort zone, having their view of the world turned upside down.  They experience anxiety and feelings of helplessness leading to fears.  And these fears lead to actions that add to the pain of the situation.

Essentially we are out of “control”.  I use the word control here in a specific context.  Control in this situation is control of our thoughts, our feelings and our actions.  When I look back I can clearly see I was not in control of my behavior.  I had thoughts about losing my children, which created feelings of fear, and caused me to act in certain ways which produced negative results and a reaction from my ex-wife, and an escalation of my thoughts and more fears which cause more negative action.  Can you see the vicious circle that can happen?

Read the Circle of Responsibility on our blog at: http://fusefamilyfocus.com/blog

How do you break this cycle?

The only way to stop this is to break the cycle.  You can start the change at any spot in the cycle.  I have found it most effective to first change the thoughts you are letting in.  You can choose to look at the situation differently.  Listen to the positive voice inside your head.  See things from the others point of view, find the positive in every situation.  Is this easy?  No!  It goes against all of our past conditioning. But is it worth it?  Absolutely!

It you want to change the results you are getting in your life, check out our Results Workbook at: http://fusefamilyfocus.com/ygye/index.php

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Monday

Posted on January 24, 2011 by Leisa

A new week has begun. What decisions are you ready to make or have already made? Each one impacts your life either positively or negatively. If your have decided that it is going to be a long tough week then guess what? It most likely will. You may also miss those opportunities that may present them selves.

What if you decide that no matter what comes your way, you will stay on course and live your purpose as passionately as possible? What if because of this attitude, you are ready to meet those opportunities just waiting for you.

It is all a choice. You get to choose. It begins with a thought. It can be a thought that moves you forward, a thought that builds, inspires, and is full of hope. A thought full of hope will cause you to feel greater inspiration, and will open you up to possibilities leading to faith. Taking action on your desires demonstrates the faith you have in your hopeful thoughts.

What a great week ahead, filled with possibilities just waiting for you. What if this truly is your week? Without that hopeful attitude you could have almost missed it!! Happy Monday!

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After all these years

Posted on January 22, 2011 by Leisa

December 7 2010  we celebrated our 19th anniversary. It was a quiet day. We went to lunch together and spent quality time reflecting upon our relationship. We felt in awe at how our love for each other continues to grow and the joy we feel in being together.

Each anniversary is always another big success for us. We are a part of a small minority of couples who experience such richness and growth in a second marriage.

A key to successful and life long marriage is creating a firm foundation to build upon. the most important part of that foundation is commitment. We made a decision to marry and  make a solemn life long commitment to one another, and not just move in together and see how things work out. From the very beginning we set the intention that this relationship was going to be for the rest of our lives.

Up to this point in our lives the most difficult experience we had lived through was the breaking up on our marriages and the pain of divorce. For both of us the pain was severe enough that we knew that we did not ever want to experience it again. When difficulties would arise in our relationship and I felt like just walking away, those old painful memories and hurts would surface .  I knew that I did not want to go through another divorce again, and somehow we would get beyond this moment: and we did.

Life is all about choice. We get to decide the thoughts we will think,  how those thoughts make us feel, and the actions or behaviours that follow. Because the foundation of our relationship was based on commitment, we chose to look at these difficult situations and each other from a different perspective. Since leaving was not going to be one of our options then what can we do to get through this? We made a decision to work it out together.

It has been an adventure, these past 19 years.  It has not always been easy, or fun or loving, but it has definitely been worth it! That is how I felt that day on our anniversary. It has been worth it! For me there is  within a feeling of strength and integrity.  A belief and understanding’ that when we work together we can overcome all obstacles. It was this quiet, reverent, and wonderful feeling that enveloped me as we sat together in celebration.

I am so grateful for the knowledge we have received in the past 4 – 5 years. The most important part of all was coming to that understanding that I CHOOSE my thoughts. The thoughts I choose to think about determine the results in my life. When I began to think only positive and loving thoughts about my husband, my marriage began to be a reflection of  those ideas.

Such a simple yet most powerful concept. Many of us know this, and it really is common sense, yet how often do we actually apply this simple concept in our lives; especially in our marriage.

Become aware of what you are thinking about. What thoughts come across your mind pertaining to your spouse? If any of them are negative in any way, even if  you feel justified in thinking them, discard them immediately! How will such thoughts serve you? What we focus on we only get more of. Why do you want more negative behaviours surrounding you. Replace those thoughts with something positive about your spouse, and hold onto that thought until other wonderful positive thoughts appear. None of us are perfect beings, so instead of seeking out our spouses annoying traits, search within your self and find your own. You will find that when you work on your own perfecting your spouse will become more and more perfect to you.

Enjoy your marriage so that with each passing anniversary your love increases and becomes deeper and more fulfilling. Happy Anniversary!

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Your Greatest Year Ever!! A Personal Results Workbook

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Leisa

Imagine what you could accomplish if you knew that your dreams today could come true in a year.

Where would you go? What would you do?

We can help make that happen, and there is nothing psychic or mystical about it.  All you need is the right set of tools, and you can live….

Your Greatest Year Ever!!

Results!

Life is all about results. Our paychecks are the results of our labours. We look in the mirror to see how we look, to see the results of our newest diet we started.  Our children bring home report cards that we view as the result of their efforts at school.  What results do you want?

There is one question that we ask people over and over again.

Until you can clearly answer this question with passion you will continue to get what the universe thinks you do really want.

Mary Morrissey is famous for this quote:

What you give attention to the Universe sees as your intention!

We understand that family life can be challenging. We have been there and done that. It wasn’t until our children were grown and off on their own when we came across this information that we have put into this workbook. Information

that can put you on the road to achieving all that you do really want for yourself and for your children.

Our relationship together as husband and wife has blossomed tremendously in the past 4 years since we first began really studying this material. We now have a greater understanding of our behaviour and tools to use to help us navigate the difficult moments of marriage.

We still ask ourselves on a regular basis; what do you really want? It is an ongoing quest, one that needs persistent attention. What we give energy to grows, and we want to make sure that we are focusing our intention on what it is that we really do want.

Our results workbook is just that: a workbook! It is designed to help you discover what exactly you really do want. What it is that you want the Universe to see as your intention.

We want families to succeed. When parents confidently know where they are heading to, their children eagerly follow.

We cannot program a GPS if we do not know where we want to end up. When we can clearly define our destination the GPS once programmed will guide us there. Your Greatest Year Ever workbook helps you determine what destination you want to arrive at on your life journey.

What about your life?

Brian Tracy’s advice is to

“Invest 3% of your income in yourself (self-development) in order to guarantee your future.”

What are you investing your family’s precious resources in? What is your greatest asset? Isn’t it you?

Jim Rohn’s council is to

“Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.”

With study, and learning more about yourself, you can expand and increase your strengths. When this happens new opportunities that you never noticed before begin to open up to you. Napoleon Hill said,

“Luck is preparation met with opportunity”.

What if you took the time to invest in yourself and learn more about you? What if you could clearly state and focus on what you really want? What if you could increase your family’s resources so that you could spend more time with them doing the things you really want to do?

What if the next 12 months of your life becomes YOUR GREATEST YEAR EVER!!

All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them Walt Disney

http://fusefamilyfocus.com/ygye/index.php

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What does your family look like? Step 2

Posted on December 9, 2010 by Leisa

Now that your family has answered the question ‘What do you want your family to be?’ and you have a written description of your ‘dream family life’ up to this point, it is time to move on to step 2, ‘What does your family want to do?’

Book a  ‘Date Night’, and as a couple take some time to discuss, brainstorm and write down the things that the two of you would like to do in your life. There are no limits when you brainstorm ideas and of course it is important to be respectful of whatever idea that happens to come out of your spouse’s mind. Brainstorming is a way of getting out all those ideas that have been hanging around tucked inside your mind for years. Sometimes they seem so important inside there, but when they are presented on a piece of paper or computer screen you begin to wonder how you thought they were ever that important. Then again, you may feel even more enthusiastic once you have expressed your desires. This can make for some interesting conversations together, and you may find out things about your spouse that you did not know before.

Using the ideas from the completed step 1 activity as your guide, create another short paragraph summarizing the things you choose to do together that are in harmony with and will help you achieve ‘being’ that couple you have both decided you choose to be.

Once you have your ‘together’ list of things you want and choose to do, what are the things you want to do as a family? This list will help you to be prepared ahead of time before you meet together with your children. Create another paragraph that reflects your family life, this will be a rough draft or outline since you will be completing this with your children.

Now get out your calendar and schedule in the day and time that your family will gather together for another brainstorming session.

The most important part of all of this is to create a safe environment to express ideas, and feel valued as a unique member of the family. If there is sometimes a problem in this area of your family life, then maybe ground rules are set down before going into your meeting. As each person walks into the room all teasing, mocking, put downs, laughing at, are left outside the doorway of the room. In our F.U.S.E. at Home program we have created an agenda to help parents lead a Weekly F.U.S.E. Family Focused Activity© and you can download it free at http://FUSEFamilyFocus.com.

Enjoy the time you spend with your children discussing, and brainstorming all the ideas that come to mind of all that you want and choose to do as a family. Reviewing your written vision of the family you want and choose to be will be a great guide in helping your children decide which activities will help you fulfill your vision of your ‘dream family life’.

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What does your family look like?

Posted on December 9, 2010 by Leisa

Step 1

One of the most important steps in our programs is for parents to create a vision of the family they desire to have. If you are already living your dream family life, congratulations! Make sure your vision is written down with daily action steps to keep you on the right track.

If you are not living your dream family life right now then this message is for you.

What is a dream family life? This vision may look different for each family because each family is unique.

Start off looking at what you want your family to be, or in other words what things do you as a couple value? Do you value peace and a state of calm or do you thrive on excitement some chaos and action.

What are the most important things you want your children to learn from you? That may be values like honesty, integrity, responsibility, a good work ethic, loyalty, commitment, compassion, service to others, or how to have fun, how to laugh at our mistakes and learn from them. I am sure cooperation is important in all families, how to live together in positive way so everyone is happy.

As we were creating the F.U.S.E. at Home program the one thing that kept coming to me over and over was the word valued. I desired that all the little children of the world felt valued in their family. This is very important to me. Children that feel that they are worth it, that they are a precious treasure are children who have a good feeling of self worth and self esteem. They know they are always encouraged in everything they do and what may appear like mistakes are only lessons. A child who is valued is a child who is resilient!

So what do you want your family to be? Brainstorm your answers and imagine each of your children grown and living on their own. What do you want them to look back on, and what do you want them to have learned from you? What kind of adults are they?

Once you have a clearer picture of this vision you can begin to work backwards. Just before they are ready to leave home what do you need to teach them? Before they turn 16 what do you want your children to know? As they become teenagers how are you preparing them for age 16? When they are 8 what will you have taught them by your words and your actions.

How you are teaching your children is every bit as important as to what you are teaching them. When we give our children our undivided attention we are sending a message to them that they matter; that we are interested in what they have to say. If you are not able to focus on them at that moment let them know. Tell them that you are aware that they have something important to share, and if they would wait just another 10 minutes you will be able to give them your full attention. Then of course make sure that you are not longer than 10 minutes and that you do give them that attention.

Children are a lot of fun. It was those funny years of silly knock-knock jokes that never made any sense but you laugh along with them that leave a special place in your heart. Their enthusiastic eagerness to do things with you just to be with you, and you feel their adoring admiration for you. Definitely years to treasure!

Respecting who your children are and seeing them as unique individuals in your family is important as well. It is surprising how much we can learn from our children when we stop and listen to them and ask them for their opinions. Allowing them opportunities to make some important decisions and showing your confidence in their abilities will set the example for them to follow when you need them to support your ideas.

What do you want your family to be? This is step one of the process towards a more resilient and FUSEd family. Have fun together discussing these ideas. As you do, your infinite potential will begin to bring many great ideas into your minds. Write down all the ideas you have and then create a paragraph or two describing what you have discovered; the dream family life you see in your mind.

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